Intentions, character, and modesty
Intentions, character, and modesty are three incredibly detailed components of Islam and yet categorically entangled with one another: Character as the basis of modesty and intentions as the precursors to each action undertaken and belief held.
One’s intentions are the foundations to their self, one cannot undertake a single action or hold a single thought without a simple intention behind them. There's so much that can be said about intentions and the struggle behind your intentions is just one branch of struggles with your Imaan. It is easy to doubt one’s own intentions, especially in busy university life where one is surrounded by people. It then becomes easy to doubt your actions, if they hold the correct intentions behind them and thus the struggle to renew your intentions begins. One could spend their lifetime doing good for it to amount to nothing simply because of the intentions behind said actions. As university students, we are often told the importance of socialising and social behaviour in university. Thus one becomes hyper-aware of themselves in the social sphere and perhaps starts adjusting to people's perceptions of them, in hopes of a budding friendship. This sets us off a slippery slope which could lead us to minor shirk/riyaa (showing off) if not careful.
Character- character is often overlooked when considering religiosity. Some consider it a prerequisite to the concept of being ‘on deen’ and some fail to consider it at all. When one's character is corrupt, pride and arrogance begin to take root in one’s soul/. Pride and arrogance are seen as such dirty things that one fails to understand how easily it manifests. For example, it is incredibly easy to see one sin publicly and begin to resent said person because you begin to associate the sin in question with them. This leads to issues when giving advice and darkens your heart. Make no mistake, as Muslims you should hate sins unequivocally but do not begin to displace this hatred because of your own lack of empathy.
When one sees someone free-mixing, listening to music, dressing immodestly, or engaging in other various sins, one may begin to look down on the said person. After all, they are harming their own relationship with Allah, but how is your relationship with Allah SWT, are you engaging in enough dhikr, are you glorifying the exalted to the fullest you are able to do, have you made sincere taubah (repentance) for your own sins. Surely rather than resentment and superiority, one should be feeling despair for your fellow brothers and Muslims and an eagerness to help. The goal is not only to attain Jannah (Heaven) but to see everyone else you love and care for there with you after all.
Modesty at university is incredibly difficult. As we approach the summer months (though the weather may disagree) one is attacked by high temperatures and inescapable rising sweat levels. The infamous ‘Aren’t you hot in that’ will inevitably make its way back to the social stratosphere as I walk through Sidgwick Site, amongst an apparent ‘Sidge Girl fashion aesthetic’ which is a complete juxtaposition to my own attire. Whilst one is able to wear abayas and jilbabs without having to wear coats on top, I do tend to miss Winter around this time.
Though the heat aspect of modesty is not one I struggle with greatly and the same may be said for others, it is the representing your faith aspect that Muslim girls are often tasked with. Whilst it is unambiguously a privilege to represent this beautiful religion with your dress, it is also a struggle, one that Allah SWT will inevitably reward as you steer towards it. It allows you to appreciate bittersweet moments as you walk through swarms of non-muslims knowing you will most likely be what they believe Islam to be about as they work through their own preconceptions. When one is tasked with such duty, it is easy to alter and stumble as one begins to have to reassess one’s intentions. For example, in the beginning, I found myself staring at my phone’s home screen aimlessly to avoid wandering eyes and calm my own steady nerves, though this inevitably led to me accidentally nearly tripping and bumping into things (sometimes even people :( ).
Having social anxiety whilst being unable to avoid drawing attention to yourself is a dangerous combination. It finds you barely leaving your room (a lifestyle supported by your low contact hours) and leaving to go to Sainsbury's at 7:45 AM to avoid people in town. The struggle of leaving your Zoom camera off and being the only one to do so or succumbing to peer pressure is one that I still find comical to this day. Though I like to shift the intentions behind these actions to the preservation of modesty, I understand that I am more afraid of others than I would like to be. Whilst I am not afraid in the way that it is preventing me from practising my faith, it is more likely to be in a way where I could easily find myself straying into minor shirk if not for self-reflection and correction. So I try my best, I understand that this struggle is what Allah has tasked me with, I hold my head high ( I still look to the ground to lower my gaze) and realise that perhaps the one day I choose to go out I could encourage another sister to dress more modestly, that I could push her and myself much closer to Allah SWT.
When one smiles more, says sorry and please more, and tries to emphasise their manners more, is this a sign of the emphasis of kindness in Islam or is it simply your desire to show ‘you're one of the good ones’? As visible Muslims, let alone Muslims, in general, there is a struggle to highlight the beauty of Islam, but not to do so at which you're prioritising the feelings of non-muslims but rather highlighting the beauty of our religion. It is in this instance where character, intentions, and modesty are thrust into a Venn diagram (or rather a simple circle/ I was never a great mathematician).
I always forget how Islam to many is a foreign entity as tongues fight against strange pronunciations of words that have become mere routine to us. In a seminar on the Ottoman Empire where we had a lengthy discussion on Islamic political ideology, I was thrust into a room with non-Muslims who found these concepts so foreign and alien, this was not the history of the spread of their beliefs but rather a tick of the orientalism checklist. It's moments like this where I understand the blessing I have been given, and my duty to fully appreciate this blessing in all of its entirety and become a better Muslim so as to serve my Lord the best I can. Though it's a bittersweet moment, as I think about those who have never known Allah in their hearts, I pray Allah and this beautiful religion find its way into their hearts, and that they are guided to the best mission in this life and the next.
Modesty is a multi-layered concept ( I like to think of an onion and Shrek’s description of their layers in this case). One may be guilty of seeing dress and limiting this to modesty alone. Though character, as stated before is arguably the basis of modesty. If one does not strive to ‘behave modestly’ then dressing modestly becomes even more difficult. Behaving modestly is a difficult concept to verbalise, how does one behave modestly? The obvious answer is silence, or at least avoiding drawing attention to oneself by engaging in excessive laughter and loud speech. It is something we're all guilty of and it's something we can all begin to work on. I like to pretend that the barrier in the pr is one that's soundproof as I began to detail details from my last seminar or simply what I had for lunch loudly to other sisters in the pr, though I know that not to be true. Thus I begin another day, trying to best emulate the one with the greatest character of all, the Prophet (PBUH) as I try not to laugh excessively, I speak softly and quietly and begin to appreciate silence and quiet much more. I understand more and more as the days pass that perfection is impossible and struggle is inevitable.
I'd like to end this with a simple statement, that struggle is normal and that one’s relationship with Allah cannot always be perfect and constantly improving. We're all sinners seeking to please our lord and work against our own desires and temptations. Always take the time to self-reflect and understand we are one simple atom amongst many, and that there are millions of Muslims, those before us and those after us. In the grand scheme of things, the guilt you feel, the worry that you're not doing enough is simply Allah calling his creation to him, encouraging you to do more because you can always do more. Even with exams looming, and with our busy schedules one must understand that even the simplest of actions are beloved to our Lord. The best of deeds are those which are done continuously, even those that are little (Ibn Majah). Maybe you believe that your five-minute daily dhikr is not as much as reading all the sunnah prayers every once in a while, but know that it is much more pleasing to your Lord. Thus, I'll say this, never despair and always hope, always believe.